the big wait
I love my school and my campus and I don’t want to go anywhere else. But its lonely. This transition is so much harder in a way I never imagined. There’s not really anything to do about it–you’ve dreamed about this for years. You’ve wanted this your whole life. You’ve done everything you could to get here. Now what? When you realize this isn’t exactly what you imagined, what you had hoped for, and you don’t even know if you’ll get what you want anywhere else. I mean, I can’t do anything else except wait. Wait for the wind to change. Wait for the seasons to pass. Wait for something.
– from “I’m In The Right Place But I Don’t Quite Belong Yet” by Maddi Burns
I’m not quite sure what to take from this quote. It’s meaningful – that’s a given, but I can’t say that I really relate to what Burns is saying here. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be in life. I just returned from my mission trip to Tijuana, Mexico, and it was extremely life-giving. I cried. I encountered Jesus. I saw people healed. I saw the living God move in front of me, through me, and within me. It was wild. And I want more of it.
I have a community here that in unlike anything else I have ever experienced. Living and walking with the Lord is so outside of this world, that you might call me crazy. You might say that it’s impossible for her knees to heal, for her eyesight to be restored, that he would ever be able to walk again, let alone play soccer. You might say that “speaking in tongues” doesn’t happen, and that they probably have a serious disease or mental illness. You might say that a simple pray can’t heal her depression.
But it did.
God moved on this trip, and he continues to move in my life.
This is exactly where I want to be. Sure, it’s hard. I do struggle. Just because I follow Jesus doesn’t mean that everything is perfect and I never cry or never have problems – it means I do because I am learning to have a relationship with the King of Kings. It’s not about religion or a Sunday service – it’s a relationship. And truly, I don’t have to wait. I know that this is where I need to be – exactly where I need to be. I follow the God Most High, the Mighty Warrior, the Father, the Lover, the Provider, the King of Kings. I follow Jesus. And by following Jesus I have a unique connection to know my future, to understand who the King is, to know my identity, to find life and purpose! Isn’t that what we are all trying to find? Identity? Purpose? Passion? Don’t we try to fill it up with something and try to convince ourselves that it is enough?
Mine comes from Jesus. And it’s amazing. I don’t have to wait for “the wind” to move. I wait for Jesus to lead me, to guide me into something more because there is always something more. I honestly had no idea that I could find so much love and so much life in a relationship with Jesus. It’s so much more than a Sunday morning. It’s a daily interaction with Him. He isn’t a deity on a throne that casts judgment – he is a relational father that came down to earth to walk with his children so that he could better know them. How amazing is that – that I am known by the King of Kings.
I know I am where I need to be. I know I am in the major I need to be. I know who I am. I know who Jesus is. I am never left unsatisfied when I pursue Him.
But I still wait – I wait for Jesus, and I rest and abide in him, and it is wonderful.